It Came Upon a Midnight Clear...and kept me up!

(C) Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

It's that time of year when carols run through your head, especially because they have already been playing for a couple of weeks in department stores everywhere. But, it's a whole different matter when they relate to interrupting my sleep!

It came upon a midnight clear. It was the startling recognition that now, more than any other time, the things that I help folks do to build better lives, relationships and businesses are critical. There is no more opportunity to say,

"I'll get the help I need someday. This is it!"

You cannot save yourself out of a recession. You have to invest your way out of it, carefully and purposefully. You have to invest in the expertise that will help you personally move systematically forward right now. There is no time to try things. You have to find what works and consistently do it to create the results you want. That's where a coach's insights are objective and helpful.

So, it kept me up, thinking about how to tell folks how I can help them without looking like just another person wanting their money. The conclusion I came to was that I simply cannot do anything but tell you these two things:

> I've walked through difficult times before and not only survived, but thrived, so I can help you navigate through and profit.

> I've spent masses of money acquiring the insights, information and business acumen I have to help you create the life, relationships and businesses you want, so, you don't have to!

So, midnight and clarity. For me, it was recognizing how important it is to give the gifts I have. So, I'm creating several group coaching opportunities so that new clients can get kick-started. Let me know where you're at in your quest. I want to create coaching groups that will meet your immediate needs.

Now onto, Deck the halls.....

Cheers,
Rhoberta

P.S. Are you a member of www.TamingTenseTimes.com yet? There is a wealth of information, insights and inspiration available for only $5.97 a month...and you get 20% discount on all my books and audio. Snap it up!

"It's time for a new vision for yourself. "

(C) Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

"It's time for a new vision for yourself."


That's what I've been saying to myself for the past four days. And, I'm right! It is time to step back and look at who I am and what I'm doing. More importantly for me, I need to look at how I am serving the life of the world.

What am I doing to make this world a more compassionate, loving and healthy place? Of course, I do that in my work as a speaker, coach and consultant. I help folks develop relationships that work, relationships with themselves, with those in their life and workplaces, that are healthy, focused and productive. In fact, those relationships are also profitable all the way round!

Working on the web with my sixty plus websites, I also offer a lot of practical and inspiring content. So, that's also working.

As I worked on this new vision for myself, I realized that my non-profit contributions of energy, time, talent and treasure were not quite as rich as I wanted them to be. So, I took an idea I had a year ago and found that its time had come. I'm starting a non-profit and the idea is catching on quickly. If you'd like to know more about it...and you either a) are a woman old enough to be a grandmother, or, b) would like to support a very loving organization meeting a currently unmet need, send me an email to wypate@yahoo.com and I'll tell you all about it before the website launches. I'll share the secret!

Cheers,
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Counselor. Consultant. Coach. Catalyst.
...and Founder of a very exciting new non-profit....:)

www.OptimizeInstitute.com
www.TamingTenseTimes.com

Two Essential Ingredients to Reducing Anxiety & Optimizing Resources

(C) Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

The past weekend was Thanksgiving in the USA. It was the perfect time to reflect on much more than all I am thankful and grateful for. I thought about what I bring to folks that others may not be able to bring. It is the two essential ingredients to reducing anxiety and optimizing resources...for a start.

As I spoke with friends over the weekend, friends of a similar age, those two essential ingredients came up over and over. We've all been through difficult times, tense times. As a single mother of three, receiving very little child support, I worked full-time and still managed to get three university degrees. I learned a few important, life-saving things about making dollars stretch, creating realistic budgets and maintaining healthy living. That's why I created the new membership website at http://www.TamingTenseTimes.com so that I can pass on all that I've learned as a Counselor, coach and single mother.

Now, I have grandchildren. One is a Generation X who is having a tough time realizing that the world doesn't owe him a living and that his Mom is not responsible for his pizza needs and that her days as a chauffeur are over. He has a job and he is nineteen. Sobering learning for many young people, for sure!

So,the two essential ingredients for reducing anxiety and optimizing resources are:

1. Tell the Truth...to yourself and others. We're all living in the same economy and you've got yourself into this position. Tell the truth. Don't look for anyone to blame. Just tell yourself the truth. Admit that you might have been living in a dream world complete with endless credit cards, and take charge now.

2. Get the Information You Need...to get on the path to true responsiblity and accountability. You are the only one who can do what it takes to create the situation you want. It's up to you. Get the help you need by finding the information that will make the difference.

These sound so simple, but, for many, they are not easy. They are, however, do-able. No one is coming to the rescue. You're an adult and you have to man-up or woman-up. A good friend once gave me a beautiful, decorative pillow with these words embroidered on it:

Put on your big girl panties and deal with it!

That's what we all have to do now. And, the sooner we do it, the sooner things will get better in our lives.

I know you can do it.
Rhoberta

P.S. I'll help. Get the tips, strategies and solutions by becoming a member of www.TamingTenseTimes.com and get your copy of Prevent Free Fall: Pack Your Own Parachute, too. Very practical. Very realistic. Very helpful. Do it now and get started right away!

You Are Rich If...

You Are Rich If...

You remember the image of something so exquisitely beautiful it took your breath away.

You can hear a friend's words of encouragement still ringing in your ear.

You remember one wise thing a caring adult told you.

You remember a time when laughter caused tears to run down your cheeks and you to double over to catch your breath.

You have any holiday tradition that you still insist on following, no matter how trivial or crazy.

You have someone with whom you have no secrets, some who knows you well and loves you because of it.

You know how it feels to have your heart expand with love.

You like yourself and demonstrate it by treating yourself well.

You know what brings you joy and you create it purposefully.

You have a happy memory that lights you up on dark days.

You see the cup half full, and know you are holding the pitcher to fill it.

You love freely without judgment, just because it's who you are.

You have released past hurts as there is no remedy.

You embrace the present moment because it is the only time you have.

You have someone to call who will brighten up by hearing your voice.

You know there is no one to blame and no longer go looking for them.

You believe you are beautiful in every way.

You notice and appreciate small joys, wonders and gestures as well as the big ones.

You believe in yourself and others.

Someone lights up when you walk in the room.

You have loved and been loved by a dog.

Every day you find something for which to give thanks.


I give thanks for you for...

...finding the sunlight and walking in it even when the world wants to tell you it is raining and there's more to come.

...loving life because you're breathing--and it beats what is in second place.

...bringing a smile to someone's face by putting one on your own.

...taking the time to appreciate the presence of another in your life.

...reaching out to say "Thank you" for the small things that touch your heart and mind.

...living your truth, no matter what those around you have to say about it.

...remembering that life is a journey to be experienced fully, not a destination to reach or a race to be won.

...being ever aware of the gift of Life in every moment, opening it and being delighted with whatever is in the package.

...and for being a center of peace, love and well-being--on purpose.


Happy Thanksgiving!

Many blessings, much love and great joy,
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Founder, Spiritual Living Network
www.SpiritualLivingNetwork.com

The Fear of Being Sold Something

As an infopreneur--one who offers insights and information for a living--I'm finding that folks have a fear of being sold something. Do you think that's true?

I've taking a strong stand on the side of:

> not sending emails to my subscribers lists too frequently
> making sure that I only send things of true value that I recommend
> giving great value in free teleseminars
> not using scare tactics and lack as a way of creating urgency to buy something

...and the list goes on.

My reward: people who love to get free things and never pay for anything, generally. Of course, I have some valued clients who also value what I offer them, however, that word "generally" is a big one.

Are we so unwilling to know ourselves and what we want or need that we simply take without buying? Or, are we so undiscerning that we get fooled by clever, pscyhologically-based marketing language that sweeps us up and has us handing over money that we really don't have. That could be a big part of what this grand economic change in our country is based on: people wanting a whole lot for nothing. That IS the basis of upping your salary without doing anything more. That IS the basis for charging more and more to "see what the market will bear" without adding more and more value.

So, what are you afraid of? Buy from people you trust to bring you the insights, information or inspiration you find valuable. That's a fair exchange!

Cheers,
Rhoberta

Where Does the Wisdom Lie?

Today I was driving, doing errands, and thinking about how to determine what the right next thing to do really is. On October 15, I became a US citizen, but did not have to give up my Canadian citizenship to do it. That was a blessing. So, the question came to me because my investments are in Canada and the Canadian dollar is tumbling once again. That means tension: tension because I have to pay my bills in US dollars.

This really was driven home to me before I realized the impact things had had on the Canadian dollar about four weeks ago. I took $2500 out of a Canadian account to pay for a few things here in the US. I nearly fell over when I received the foreign exchange notice in the mail shortly after: $614.95 in exchange. That $614.95 is lost and gone forever. It did not pay a bill, or pay for some treat, fun or luxury. It was simply lost.

So the question on my mind is: do I return to live in Canada and earn US dollars so that the living is made much easier with the exchange rate in my favor? Or, do I just keep looking for good ways to increase my income in the US and not uproot myself? Do I look at the current situation as requiring action? Or, do I say, 'This too shall pass." and wait it out.

It's a question of where the wisdom lies. It is the place between being reactive and being realistic. It's a conundrum, for sure.

Today, I have not come to a conclusion. If you have an insight, or are experiencing a similar dilemna, I hope you'll comment.

Cheers,
Rhoberta

Aligning Our Values with What We Do Every Day

So many folks that I receive email from, or who take a course with me, or are coaching clients teach me two important things:

1. Many cannot say clearly what they value in life, or,
2. When they talk about their values, they don't connect them to daily living and working.

Both of these create a sense of disconnection, anxiety, and even, chaos in our lives and work. I know because I had to wrestle these things down and make them real for me, too.

What is important to you defines who you are. Recently a colleague was feeling anxious about an interview she gave. When I asked why, she said that she feared that she had talked too much about spiritual things while being interviewed about workplace issues. She thought she had maybe ruined her market opportunities by spilling the beans that she values spiritual principles.

My question to her was: "Are you living in alignment with who you truly are when you pretend that spiritual principles are not important to the way you bring value to people at work?"


She told me the usual, that she didn't want to tarnish the possibilities of people wanting to work with her because she needed the money and clients and she could easily keep spiritual words or concepts out of the workplace consulting. So, why would she take the risk? That's why she was feeling upset. She was upset because she felt her authenticity reduced her market appeal.

I understand the issue. She's not alone. I had to work through this one, too, and, believe it, it took some doing.

It is a risk to be who you are! Why? Because the alternative is being who other people want you to be. That's a waste of your unique life.

(If this is an issue for you, we talk about solving it in depth in our book, Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up. www.SoulSolitude.com )

What are you doing? Living who you are, or, who other people want you to be? That's the biggest question to answer.

Birthdays are Great!

It was my birthday yesterday, and, I've had quite a few. Each year brings something new: new insights, experiences, people, challenges, opportunities. It was lovely to reflect on the past year and realize how rich life is.

This is the first year I've really engaged in Facebook. I was not surprised to hear from family and old friends there, But, who knew that thirty-five FB "friends" would take the time to write and say 'Happy Birthday!' In thinking that through, a few stray thoughts popped up:


"Oh, yes, well, FB or Plaxo or some other social networking system reminded them, so, does it really count?"


>"Yes, it does. Why would you ever discount someone's time and attention who cared enough to send a shout out? They didn't have to and they didn't want anything more than to take a moment and connect."



"They don't know me and it really is rather meaningless. Don't they have anything better to do that send BD greetings to folks they don't know? (Ooooh, that's cynical!)"


"Yes, they have better things to do that would move their lives forward or make them money, AND, they took the time to connect. That really says something positive about our society, whether we've ever met or not. They didn't have to do that, they chose to.


So, what did I learn from this?

That social networking is much bigger in heart than I might have thought.
That people do care enough to take the time to reach out.
That the idea of a penpal is alive and well in an up-to-date format.
That I feel grateful for everyone of these folks.
That I feel even more inclined to reach out and connect with these folks

And, that I am blessed. It doesn't matter if the times are tense or trouble-free, there are always people who care, who will stop and smell the roses with you. That's what really tames tense times!

I guess that's why I started Spiritual Living Network - fr.ee social networking for spiritually-minded folks. It gives them a great place to connect with like-minded people. When our new format for it goes live in January, it will be even more like Facebook...and, that's a very good thing.

Thanks, everyone. Please keep reaching out from your hearts and letting others what I experienced yesterday.

With great love and much joy,
Rhoberta

P.S. You can join in at www.SpiritualLivingNetwork.com and, of course, become a member of www.TamingTenseTimes.com , too. Let's connect in these new ways.

What to Do About Competing Beliefs and Emotions.

This is a big issue. It's easy to get caught in the rip tide of competing beliefs and competing emotions. I know that because I've frequently tried to swim in those waters!

Just this morning, it happened. I was awakened way too early by my reckoning, but, I made the coffee and sat quietly. I noticed some unrest, some agitation within me. I pursued it in thought. What was that tension, that pull?

Slowly, it came clear. Yesterday when working with a coaching client, just the right words seemed to come out of my mouth. and a light turned on for him. He told me that my asking that question made everything come into focus and I had shed light on the basic issue, the missing piece as to why his business was stalled. Helping him in that way was tremendously gratifying for me, too.

Then, just hours afterwards at a big event, the opposite seemed to happen. I had done a big piece of work for a man many people look up to. If they knew him as well as I do, they wouldn't get a crick in their neck from doing it! However, I believed in his project and wanted to help bring it to clarity. In the doing of it, conflicting motives were exposed and I had to tell him the truth as my experience and expertise saw it. His project could not be done as he wanted it to be done: low cost, discounting the value of others, wanting something for nothing. He was livid! And, last night, at the event, he managed to look right through me as he acknowledged those I was standing with.

So, am I of high value to my client and worthless to this other man? Apparently so. Could I feel the warmth of helping one at the same time as experiencing the wrath of the other? Apparently so. Did I allow the wrath to supercede the warmth? Somewhere inside I did. So, as I sat in the early morning light with my coffee and thought about it, I saw the choice as the poet, John Lydgate described:

"You can please some of the people all of the time and all of the people some of the time, but you can’t please all of the people all of the time."

Of course, Abraham Lincoln is better known for the quote, but, he substituted 'please' for 'fool' and that made all the difference.

Competing beliefs and emotions are intertwined. There are people who applaud and there are people who boo at the same performance. My task is to stay in alignment with my values, beliefs and principles and live accordingly. So, easy to say, eh?

But, there are moments! And, these moments take some thinking through. Yes, my client was grateful and our interaction made a huge difference in his life. Yes, that other fellow is angry because he can't have what he wants...at least, from me. One loves me, the other attempts to annihilate me with his glare. With the clarity of coffee and quiet, I come to peace with both these relationships. I lived my truth.

Did it feel good to find myself in that rip tide? No, but it caused me to swim.

Treading water simply wasn't going to work. It got me nowhere and left me in danger of being pulled apart by competing beliefs and emotions. I've coached clients who didn't want to recognize that they had been treading water so long they were in danger of drowning. I'm effective because I've been there and had to learn to swim.

And, I've been there as recently as this morning. It's just that now I recognize the waters and get myself out of the doldrums quickly...on a good day. :)

Cheers,

Rhoberta

I invite you to become a member of http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/ and swim along with me.

Letting Go of The Nasty Elements of Perfectionism.

I know, right now there are a lot of people who could use your help. In fact, most of us could use some help. And, that's a good thing.

"Seems strange to me." That's what a coaching client said to me recently when I suggested that asking for help was a good thing. Her upbringing suggested to her that asking for help was an admission of weakness, of not knowing how to do something or what to do next. Never!

Have you ever had that thought? That asking for help was a sign of weakness, or a disclosure of being less than perfect. And, was that unthinkable? I don't think my client was alone in this thought at all. Wherever did we get the idea that we're supposed to know everything and how to do everything...and do it all well?

Oooooh, the nasty elements of a perfectionist script!! I got sad after that coaching call. One more person whose upbringing and learning was that she was supposed to be an impostor, pretending she was on top of everything all the time. Now, there's a big energy leak! No chance of her being human. Sad!

I know this one because that was a significant part of the subtle conditioning I, too, received as a child. The reason the client's words resonated so deeply with me with because of that connection to things I have walked through and have to stay mindful of. So, it hit home!

So, I thought about the things I remind myself of when I find myself heading down a perfectionistic pathway. Here's a couple that came to mind right away:

• My parents like most told me that "If something is worth doing, it is worth doing well." I remind myself that if it has any value, any real worth to do, it must also be worth doing half-**!! Just the doing of it has value in my books. (My big question: How many people never got to dabble to find out if they loved something because they had to do it well or not at all? )


• In the copywriting world, the slogan is: "Better written, than right." That's really useful to me because it is so easy putting off doing something because it can't be the very best I could possibly do...but IT WILL DO!


• The women in my family taught me that 'You're letting women down" if you go out without make-up and clothes not matching. "Tsk! Tsk! She's really letting herself go." I could hear them in my head if the full routine was not engaged in prior to stepping out the door. I do what makes me feel comfortable, not wasting time wondering what others will think.


• And, "Work! Work! Work!" That perfectionist script came to me complete with the idea that unless I was working, studying, somehow bettering myself, I was just not doing my job. So, I guess that's what made me such an advocate for living life in a conscious, thoughtful, balanced way. That's usually one of the main ingredients holding us back from the life we most want, strangely enough!

So, just a few thoughts about "being perfect" and why it's worth giving it up. Thanks to the client who provoked that thought today. Walking together is always the best way to go.

I'd love to hear about your tools and tricks for staying away from old perfectionism scripts. Please tell me by adding your comments to today's blog. It will help me and everyone else, too.

Be a tense times tamer!
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD
Psychologist. Consultant. Coach. Catalyst.
Helping Businesses Prosper & People Flourish
http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/
http://www.optimizeinstitute.com/
http://www.corevaluesprofile.com/

Launching TamingTenseTimes.com - New Membership Website

What a big day! After weeks of preparing, writing, deciding and doing, the new membership website at http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/ launched. It's exciting. It perfect for me because it is the coming together of my work as a psychologist, coach, author, consultant and teacher. And, it combines that with helping folks meet the challenges and changes of tense, tough and turbulent times.

As we pushed the button to send the news to thousands of subscribers last night, it was fraught with tension. Strange, eh? A site names http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/ creates its own tension as it is given life. But, so, it was. The tension, of course, came from two sources: will all the technology work well, and, will folks find it intriguing and valuable? We'll see.

I've done my best to make the most generous offer I can. Let's see if it truly meets a need, and folks join. It's exciting, as I said, but, it's scary, too. It's always a risk.

Would you do me a favor? Visit the site, http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/ and post your feedback here. That would be truly helpful. Of course, the very best feedback would be to have you as a member.

Here's to success!
Rhoberta

Dr. Rhoberta Shaler is the author of the brand new book, Prevent Free Fall: Pack Your Own Parachute - Timely Tactics for Taming Tense Times. The book, and the expansive 10-CD set that accompanies it offer ten clear tactics to triumph over tense times.

WHAT'S THE #$&*(@_!! ISSUE WITH INTERNET MARKETING?

Today, I was cleaning the shower. It's such a boring task that my mind could wander at will.

I started thinking about the last ten years of reaching out on the internet. Ten years of offering newsletters, websites, books, audio programs, teleseminars, to share insights, experience and expertise. As, I did that I started to get agitated, maybe even angry.

I've studied with the "big guys" and learned all the ways, tried and true, devious and demanding, in your face and subtle, to create my income online. I dislike the 'in your face' approach. It feels so hard-nosed and thick-skinned. I resist writing long sales letters, even in the face of evidence that people actually buy more from them. Who knows why??? 'Cuz I hate getting them? Likely.

So, I thought back on all this as I scrubbed. What's the deal? I do my best to bring great content. I even have a free social networking site for spiritually-minded people at http://www.spirituallivingnetwork.com/ Isn't giving people a venue to connect enough? Isn't writing ezines--for the first three years, it was daily--not enough? What does it take to get people to value what they receive and support me in return?

Now, I'm launching http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/ and wondering what will happen. My questions:

• Should I keep my gentle, "here's something you might benefit from" approach?


• Am I fooling myself that this is a respectful approach?


• Do people really want to be hit over the head or have things rammed down their throats and I need to toughen up?


• Should I turn into the marketer whose credo is "buy or die" whichever comes first, but you'll hear from me until you've told me repeatedly you don't want to?


• Is it necessary to scream with long sales letters filled with words folks seldom read in order to get the attention of people who might value what I offer?


• Whatever is it that need to do to be compensated for forty years of experience integrated with even more expertise?

So, this is rapidly becoming a rant, but it is a cathartic one. What should I do? Launch http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/ by force feeding, or invitation to the feast?

Help, please. Tell me what you're thinking, 'cuz this is just crazy-making!
Rhoberta

Rhoberta Shaler, PhD

Psychologist. Consultant. Coach. Catalyst

....and questioner of the sanity of internet marketers.

Do You See Yourself As Part of Nature?

I was out walking my dog, Mystery, this morning as we do every day. He’s the best companion a woman could have: endless love, adoring eyes, and gratitude for everything, especially the constant tummy rubs.

We walk on a back street that has apartments on both sides. The boulevards are beautifully kept and dogs are welcome in the apartments. Where I live, there is a “no dogs” attitude. They must not touch the grounds! So, we dutifully get in the car at least twice a day and go elsewhere for relief for Mystery.

Out walking, it is hard to mistake the connection we have with nature. The trees are well-established and beautiful. The lawns are trimmed and edged. The California sky, complete with sun, is clear blue with a few puffy clouds. Heaven, really.

For years in my seminars, I have asked folks to do this simple exercise and I invite you to do it, too:

Have someone take a photo of you surrounded by nature. Pick the best setting you can with trees, clouds, sky, flowers, mountains, running water and other elements. And, there you are, in the midst of it, part of it.

Now, print out the photo and notice how much a part of nature you seem to be. Not an add-on, not with nature as your background, but, you as a very integral part of the picture. Then, take out your eraser and remove yourself from the photo.

What’s left? Beautiful nature with a white empty space. That’s how much a part of nature you are.

You belong here. You’re not just taking up space. You are a necessary part of the fabric of life right now. Live fully. Express yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin, because you matter!

A bit philosophical this morning, but, it’s a beautiful San Diego day and I’m delighted to be vertical and ventilating!

Please leave your comments here after you do the exercise or think it through, at least.

YOU MATTER!*

Cheers,
Rhoberta
P.S. You might enjoy reading our book, Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up. It will really help you understand at deeper levels just how much you matter…and how to demonstrate that in life every day. http://www.soulsolitude.com/

Order, Routine, Structure? Who Needs It?

Order. Routine. Structure. Systems. Do these words resonate and make your heart sing, or, do they feel confining, restricting and tension-producing?

We're all different. There is no right way. We don't all get the same feelings from the same things. Some make piles, others make files.

What I know doesn't work is beating yourself up for not being a perfectionist! There is a generally accepted idea out there that, if you really had it together, you'd be aiming for perfection. And, that's not even allowed to be your own idea of perfection. It's some arbitrary idea that everything has to be lined up, clean, neat, tidy--in other words, perfect.

You can waste a lot of time, energy and angst, wringing your hands over the lack of that kind of perfection.

How can you tell what's right for you? Two ideas come to mind. (This is all top-of-mind for me today because I was working with a coaching client who was treading water in her business because of perfectionism.) So, two ideas:

1. If you are a visual person, seeing a mess bothers you. NOTE: Be sure to check the difference between really being a visual person with a visceral reaction to disarray, and, being auditory, kinesthetic or digital and just thinking you should be tidier! A clutter and muddle are, to a visual person, like getting into a bed full of cracker crumbs is to a kinesthetic person!


2. Are you being productive, creative and energetic? If not, you may be being held back by a lack of order, structure or procedure that you are not recognizing. Again, it is an important distinction for you. Watch out for the difference between shoulds and best practice for you!

For me, I like clarity in my visual space. Doing "sensate" tasks--things that involve the body and senses, not the mind--is my way of processing. When I'm stuck, especially when I'm writing website copy, I'll get up and clean a closet or open and sort the mail. It gives my mind a break. Does the idea of housework and clean windows sparkling in the sun float my boat? Not if I have to do it. But, when I need that sensate break, it is the best medicine possible.

We're all different. There is no right way. What works best for you? Let's talk about it here.

Rhoberta

Having Trouble Sleeping?

A friend has been having sleepless nights. He has trouble getting to sleep and then wakes too early, often averaging four hours a night. So, now, he has a horrible cough and a fuzzy head and his business is suffering. He can't focus and, right now, more than ever, he needs to!

When general anxiety is raised by ever-changing media reports, it sometimes is difficult to get your head to shut off.

Here's a few of things I've learned:

• Have a bedtime ritual. Relax and do something relatively mindless and restful. For me, that means choosing between an hour of watching something benign and predictable like Law & Order and reading a book that is inspirational or, at a minimum, loving in some way. Sometimes, I do both. Maybe, a hot bath with good smelling things like lavender for relaxation does it for you. (I wish I could do this. My house only has two showers. Sigh!)
• As I've mentioned in an earlier post, don't be a media monger! People who want to be upset and have reasons to be angry watch the news too much. Then, they can stay in what they think is a justifiable state of anxiety, anger and upset. You're in charge. Give that up.
• Have a sense of order in your bedroom that is relaxing to you.
• Keep the bedroom television-free! That simply does not help you establish natural, healthy sleep rhythms.
• Don't drink too much before you go to bed. You know why!

A client of mine is a professional health coach. She gave me another great reason for sleeping my seven-to-eight hours a night: it helps you lose weight and/or stay at a healthy weight. I like it. To learn more from her experience and expertise, you'll find it at www.LifestyleForLongevity.com

So, sleep. Break the cycle of sleeplessness with these tips. If you have other things that work for you, please share them here. We're all in this together.

Cheers,
Rhoberta
www.TamingTenseTimes.com

What's Happening in Your Relationship?

I guess because I am a psychologist and coach, I am hearing more stories about difficulties in relationshps as people panic. It's not uncommon.

When anxiety rises, people look for someone to blame. Often, that's their partner. You know, those great sentences that begin with

"If only you had...."
"Why didn't you...?"

Instead of turning to one another for solace and comfort, they turn to each other with incriminations and reverse engineering.

Yesterday I was doing a cable television show and the host asked me why so many folks she was talking with were considering taking their families apart. My response was:

"My definition of an emotionally-mature grown up is a person who knows there is no one to blame for who and how they are. Unfortunately, there are not enough grownups!"

This is a great time to stop and spend time with yourself. Look inward and discover who you really are and who you want to be. I'm not talking about what you want to do, but rather, who you want to be, expressing and demonstrating that to everyone you meet.

Does it seem counter-intuitive when things seem to be tightening up or the wheels are falling off? Of course. It seems like this should be a major time of "doing." Get things moving. Do more. Work harder. I think that must be balanced with quiet, reflective time to know who you are and to work some very important things out.

How does this relate to your relationship? You cannot have a solid, loving, intimate, supportive relationship if you don't know who you are and take full responsibility for yourself. There is no one to blame.

I know I've got a lot more to say about relationships and what's happening to them in this new economy. And, hats off to you, if you are going much deeper with your partner into your fears, joys, and thoughts as you work through life together.

If you do happen to be blaming your partner for things, or, are taking out your anxiety on those you love, STOP IT NOW!

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Got a comment or question? Respond to this post. I'm interested in what you're thinking and I'll do my best to answer your questions.

If you need help, you can get a free twenty-minute coaching consultation with me by filling out the form at http://www.OptimizeCoaching.com and we'll talk!

There's also good stuff for you at http://www.SoulDrivenLove.com

Putting Cash in Your Cache

We've all heard about the Law of Attraction. Sometimes a little too much!

We've all likely heard about wire clothes hangers, too. They seem to entwine when you close the closet doors and leave them in the dark.

What if we put these two ideas together in this way and create a cache for our cash?

Before credit cards arrived, there was this oddity called "cash." People actually used it to buy things. When they had no more, they stopped buying until new cash arrived. It was a simple time. Now, we need to return to that simplicity. Perhaps, because we strayed so far away from it, the world is insisting we rethink the usefulness of cash!

Now, putting the ideas together:

Take an envelope and put a description of something you would like to have on the outside. Make that description as rich, evocative and specific as possible.

Now put $5, $10, $50 or $100 in cash in there.

Now this cash will become "attractive." It will bond together--just like wire hangers--and the energy of it will attract multiplication.

Each day, we think about the envelope and read the affirmation on the front. We create a picture in our minds of the item, how we'll feel when we enjoy it, what it means to us, and see it as ours.

We add cash to it purposefully every week, no matter how much or how little.

Then, weve created a "Cache of Cash" to exchange for the object or experience of our desire.

I know that will work.

Who's willing to try it with me for three months? I'm starting mine for a vacation in Canada to see my kids, grandkids and friends.

Write and let me know what you're creating your Cache of Cash for and we'll turn this into a "Blog MasterMind," too.

Don't Be a Media Monger!

Oh, how the media would like to keep us stirred up, preparing for something absolutely terrible and completely unmanageable! That's their job. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, it's not news if it's not sensational.

Isn't it enough to know that we need to pay more particular attention to our finances and become thoughtful about our future? I don't think it is at all likely that we need to get re-fired up morning, noon and night by the television station looking for ratings.

Now is the time to take stock and focus on reality. It's not a good time to buy things on what the British call the "never, never" because you keep on paying but you never, never own whatever might be striking your fancy. We've likely done enough of that.

My parents were teenagers during the Depression in the 1930s. By the time I came along, they were what their friends called "insurance poor." They were so afraid of not having that they had insurance on everything and for everything. This really came into sad focus shortly after my Mom died which was five years after my father's passing. As an only child, all the joys of their estate came to me...including their mail. One day, an invoice arrived saying it was time to pay the annual insurance--they called it an extended warrantee--on the television. The television was ten years old, yet, my parents were afraid not to have the warrantee in case something happened to it! It's not rocket science to realize that the ten years of annual warrantee payments would have easily bought them a new television.

That's what happens when we go into fear. We don't quite think straight. Let's not go there. Let's focus on doing what we can to keep our own affairs in order. Think through our financial decisions and see if there are positive changes that would be wise to make. But, let's not become glued to the television so that our emotions can be whipped about needlessly.

I think we've all got the memo, right? It's time to think through our financial and career decisions in a realistic way. That's a great start. Don't let the doomsayers into your living room on purpose. It's also a good time to remember our values, beliefs and principles and establish alignment with them in what we do, think and say.

You know what needs doing. I'm cheering you on.

Cheers,
Rhoberta

Are You Procrastinating?

You've no doubt noticed how easy it is to procrastinate. Almost any justification will do:

"It's really not that important.
Another day/week/decade won't really matter.
People who get those things done are just too perfect.
It will be better for me to do it after the office is clean."

You know the drill. Thinking about this today because I have to talk with a reporter on the subject tomorrow, I recalled many coaching and therapy clients who procrastinated because they really are simply afraid of success.

It's an identity crisis each time they postpone accomplishment. They don't know who they would be if they actually achieved the goals they set for themselves! So, under the surface, procrastination serves them. They can put off being successful and having to choose new goals. There is nothing further to hide behind. That's a big ah-ha for most folks!

What do you think? What causes you to procrastinate?

Oh, if you're not a procrastinator, it would be terrific if you would tell us all here how you avoid procrastinating!!!

Cheers,
Rhoberta
P.S. You might find my new weekly Tips for Taming Tense Times useful. See them at www.TamingTenseTimes.com

The Least Expensive Way to Manage Anxiety

No kidding! This is the least expensive way to manage anxiety. It's also the most available and the most immediate. Everyone can do it. And, if you don't do it, your body will insist and eventually do it for you!

You might even say, "Well, of course." when you read it, but, think of the benefits and the implications. This is very simple, however, you may have overlooked it as a regular practice.

The practice: The luxury of a deep breath.

I told you it was obvious, however, when you really use it, the benefits are great.

Very consciously and purposefully take a breath in through your nose. Hold it for a few seconds and then let it out through your mouth with a sigh.

Big benefit: your body will naturally relax your muscles and let your shoulders down from your earlobes as you exhale. If you want to test it, scrunch your shoulders up by your earlobes. You know, where they hover during a stressful day. Take a breath in through your nose, exhale through your mouth and keep your shoulders up there. See how difficult this is!

Your body wants to relax. Let it.

Practice this most natural form of anxiety relief several times a day. It cleanses the carbon dioxide out of the bottom of your pear-shaped lungs and re-oxygenates your system. It clears your head and relaxes your muscles. All for free.

It simply cannot be beat as the first response to stress!

Keep breathing,
Rhoberta

Do You Run Away from Conflict?

If you are like many, many people, conflict, or even the potential for confrontation, puts your stomach in knots and your legs heading for the door? It's common. Why? Because we never learned to handle these things well as we were growing up.

That sounds so simplistic, but, it's true. Conflict management skills are learned. We tend to do what we've watched others do, or, what we've learned will help us survive. Some folks had families where yelling was simply a way to be heard and anger flared only to disappear completely in a few minutes. Others, had simmering families: those ones who put a smile on their faces while their insides rage...and, then, erupt! And, of course, everything in between.

How do you handle conflict?

Do you have the listening skills to really hear what someone is saying to you? Or, do you hear what you are most afraid of hearing and react to it? Most folks do the latter. They are not listening.

Recently, a client called, in tears. She'd received an email from the love of her life saying that he could not keep his weekend commitment to her. It was a beautiful email. She read it to me. It was kind, considerate, thoughtful, and explanatory.

She wasn't in tears because she would not see him on the weekend. She was in tears because, years before when they were in relationship, an email of this nature preceded a breakup. Now, she is reading into this beautiful email that the next step is failure of the relationship. She's already living the result she's expecting...and she's very upset.

She was not listening. What she feared most was losing him and that was all she could "hear" in the email. She finally saw what she was doing, but it took hours. This is just a simple example for a personal life.

Do you take the time to sit quietly with yourself and find out what you're thinking and feelings...and why? Most folks don't. They are in react mode, fearful, rejecting and certain they are being victimized. They need to grow up, take responsibility for themselves and learn to communicate effectively.

These are the skills that can be systematically learned, so, that you never feel like a victim, a coward, a volcano, or, a mouse again.

Tame Tense Times by Tuning Up Your Skills!

It's easy! Visit http://www.workplacepeopleskills.com/ and get on the phone training in specific skills. Take advantage of it right away and stand strong.

Visit http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/ for more tips, support and encouragement.

It is Time to Tame Tense Times!

Tame tense times. You can by taking pro-active steps to reduce the tension and take care of business!

As we become aware of the fear that is quickly building in our economy, it is important to have tactics that will help you reduce stress and keep you calm and clear-headed. The number of folks trying to sell us things on the telephone is increasing. People are afraid of not being paid, so, they are quickly jumping on us at the first hint of lateness. The other evening I got a call from Blockbuster--across the street--telling me that I had a bill that was two weeks old. Two weeks old! That's just nuts. What was also nuts was that I did not have overdue movies and they had made a mistake. That's what anxiety produces.

In the workplace, fear creates anxiety which leads to lost time, talent, tempers and profits. Irritability rises, conflict flares and days away from work increase.

In this blog, you'll read many insights, strategies and solutions to manage all the offshoots of tense economic times. I hope you'll also post your thoughts and tips here as well. You can subscribe to my weekly Tips for Taming Tense Times quick-read bulletin. You can do that at http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/

I'll post here often and I'll be watching for you.

Calmly,
Rhoberta
Visit www.TamingTenseTimes.com for more tips, strategies, solutions & support.