Do You See Yourself As Part of Nature?

I was out walking my dog, Mystery, this morning as we do every day. He’s the best companion a woman could have: endless love, adoring eyes, and gratitude for everything, especially the constant tummy rubs.

We walk on a back street that has apartments on both sides. The boulevards are beautifully kept and dogs are welcome in the apartments. Where I live, there is a “no dogs” attitude. They must not touch the grounds! So, we dutifully get in the car at least twice a day and go elsewhere for relief for Mystery.

Out walking, it is hard to mistake the connection we have with nature. The trees are well-established and beautiful. The lawns are trimmed and edged. The California sky, complete with sun, is clear blue with a few puffy clouds. Heaven, really.

For years in my seminars, I have asked folks to do this simple exercise and I invite you to do it, too:

Have someone take a photo of you surrounded by nature. Pick the best setting you can with trees, clouds, sky, flowers, mountains, running water and other elements. And, there you are, in the midst of it, part of it.

Now, print out the photo and notice how much a part of nature you seem to be. Not an add-on, not with nature as your background, but, you as a very integral part of the picture. Then, take out your eraser and remove yourself from the photo.

What’s left? Beautiful nature with a white empty space. That’s how much a part of nature you are.

You belong here. You’re not just taking up space. You are a necessary part of the fabric of life right now. Live fully. Express yourself. Be comfortable in your own skin, because you matter!

A bit philosophical this morning, but, it’s a beautiful San Diego day and I’m delighted to be vertical and ventilating!

Please leave your comments here after you do the exercise or think it through, at least.

YOU MATTER!*

Cheers,
Rhoberta
P.S. You might enjoy reading our book, Soul Solitude: Taking Time for Our Souls to Catch Up. It will really help you understand at deeper levels just how much you matter…and how to demonstrate that in life every day. http://www.soulsolitude.com/

Order, Routine, Structure? Who Needs It?

Order. Routine. Structure. Systems. Do these words resonate and make your heart sing, or, do they feel confining, restricting and tension-producing?

We're all different. There is no right way. We don't all get the same feelings from the same things. Some make piles, others make files.

What I know doesn't work is beating yourself up for not being a perfectionist! There is a generally accepted idea out there that, if you really had it together, you'd be aiming for perfection. And, that's not even allowed to be your own idea of perfection. It's some arbitrary idea that everything has to be lined up, clean, neat, tidy--in other words, perfect.

You can waste a lot of time, energy and angst, wringing your hands over the lack of that kind of perfection.

How can you tell what's right for you? Two ideas come to mind. (This is all top-of-mind for me today because I was working with a coaching client who was treading water in her business because of perfectionism.) So, two ideas:

1. If you are a visual person, seeing a mess bothers you. NOTE: Be sure to check the difference between really being a visual person with a visceral reaction to disarray, and, being auditory, kinesthetic or digital and just thinking you should be tidier! A clutter and muddle are, to a visual person, like getting into a bed full of cracker crumbs is to a kinesthetic person!


2. Are you being productive, creative and energetic? If not, you may be being held back by a lack of order, structure or procedure that you are not recognizing. Again, it is an important distinction for you. Watch out for the difference between shoulds and best practice for you!

For me, I like clarity in my visual space. Doing "sensate" tasks--things that involve the body and senses, not the mind--is my way of processing. When I'm stuck, especially when I'm writing website copy, I'll get up and clean a closet or open and sort the mail. It gives my mind a break. Does the idea of housework and clean windows sparkling in the sun float my boat? Not if I have to do it. But, when I need that sensate break, it is the best medicine possible.

We're all different. There is no right way. What works best for you? Let's talk about it here.

Rhoberta

Having Trouble Sleeping?

A friend has been having sleepless nights. He has trouble getting to sleep and then wakes too early, often averaging four hours a night. So, now, he has a horrible cough and a fuzzy head and his business is suffering. He can't focus and, right now, more than ever, he needs to!

When general anxiety is raised by ever-changing media reports, it sometimes is difficult to get your head to shut off.

Here's a few of things I've learned:

• Have a bedtime ritual. Relax and do something relatively mindless and restful. For me, that means choosing between an hour of watching something benign and predictable like Law & Order and reading a book that is inspirational or, at a minimum, loving in some way. Sometimes, I do both. Maybe, a hot bath with good smelling things like lavender for relaxation does it for you. (I wish I could do this. My house only has two showers. Sigh!)
• As I've mentioned in an earlier post, don't be a media monger! People who want to be upset and have reasons to be angry watch the news too much. Then, they can stay in what they think is a justifiable state of anxiety, anger and upset. You're in charge. Give that up.
• Have a sense of order in your bedroom that is relaxing to you.
• Keep the bedroom television-free! That simply does not help you establish natural, healthy sleep rhythms.
• Don't drink too much before you go to bed. You know why!

A client of mine is a professional health coach. She gave me another great reason for sleeping my seven-to-eight hours a night: it helps you lose weight and/or stay at a healthy weight. I like it. To learn more from her experience and expertise, you'll find it at www.LifestyleForLongevity.com

So, sleep. Break the cycle of sleeplessness with these tips. If you have other things that work for you, please share them here. We're all in this together.

Cheers,
Rhoberta
www.TamingTenseTimes.com

What's Happening in Your Relationship?

I guess because I am a psychologist and coach, I am hearing more stories about difficulties in relationshps as people panic. It's not uncommon.

When anxiety rises, people look for someone to blame. Often, that's their partner. You know, those great sentences that begin with

"If only you had...."
"Why didn't you...?"

Instead of turning to one another for solace and comfort, they turn to each other with incriminations and reverse engineering.

Yesterday I was doing a cable television show and the host asked me why so many folks she was talking with were considering taking their families apart. My response was:

"My definition of an emotionally-mature grown up is a person who knows there is no one to blame for who and how they are. Unfortunately, there are not enough grownups!"

This is a great time to stop and spend time with yourself. Look inward and discover who you really are and who you want to be. I'm not talking about what you want to do, but rather, who you want to be, expressing and demonstrating that to everyone you meet.

Does it seem counter-intuitive when things seem to be tightening up or the wheels are falling off? Of course. It seems like this should be a major time of "doing." Get things moving. Do more. Work harder. I think that must be balanced with quiet, reflective time to know who you are and to work some very important things out.

How does this relate to your relationship? You cannot have a solid, loving, intimate, supportive relationship if you don't know who you are and take full responsibility for yourself. There is no one to blame.

I know I've got a lot more to say about relationships and what's happening to them in this new economy. And, hats off to you, if you are going much deeper with your partner into your fears, joys, and thoughts as you work through life together.

If you do happen to be blaming your partner for things, or, are taking out your anxiety on those you love, STOP IT NOW!

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Got a comment or question? Respond to this post. I'm interested in what you're thinking and I'll do my best to answer your questions.

If you need help, you can get a free twenty-minute coaching consultation with me by filling out the form at http://www.OptimizeCoaching.com and we'll talk!

There's also good stuff for you at http://www.SoulDrivenLove.com

Putting Cash in Your Cache

We've all heard about the Law of Attraction. Sometimes a little too much!

We've all likely heard about wire clothes hangers, too. They seem to entwine when you close the closet doors and leave them in the dark.

What if we put these two ideas together in this way and create a cache for our cash?

Before credit cards arrived, there was this oddity called "cash." People actually used it to buy things. When they had no more, they stopped buying until new cash arrived. It was a simple time. Now, we need to return to that simplicity. Perhaps, because we strayed so far away from it, the world is insisting we rethink the usefulness of cash!

Now, putting the ideas together:

Take an envelope and put a description of something you would like to have on the outside. Make that description as rich, evocative and specific as possible.

Now put $5, $10, $50 or $100 in cash in there.

Now this cash will become "attractive." It will bond together--just like wire hangers--and the energy of it will attract multiplication.

Each day, we think about the envelope and read the affirmation on the front. We create a picture in our minds of the item, how we'll feel when we enjoy it, what it means to us, and see it as ours.

We add cash to it purposefully every week, no matter how much or how little.

Then, weve created a "Cache of Cash" to exchange for the object or experience of our desire.

I know that will work.

Who's willing to try it with me for three months? I'm starting mine for a vacation in Canada to see my kids, grandkids and friends.

Write and let me know what you're creating your Cache of Cash for and we'll turn this into a "Blog MasterMind," too.

Don't Be a Media Monger!

Oh, how the media would like to keep us stirred up, preparing for something absolutely terrible and completely unmanageable! That's their job. As I mentioned in an earlier blog, it's not news if it's not sensational.

Isn't it enough to know that we need to pay more particular attention to our finances and become thoughtful about our future? I don't think it is at all likely that we need to get re-fired up morning, noon and night by the television station looking for ratings.

Now is the time to take stock and focus on reality. It's not a good time to buy things on what the British call the "never, never" because you keep on paying but you never, never own whatever might be striking your fancy. We've likely done enough of that.

My parents were teenagers during the Depression in the 1930s. By the time I came along, they were what their friends called "insurance poor." They were so afraid of not having that they had insurance on everything and for everything. This really came into sad focus shortly after my Mom died which was five years after my father's passing. As an only child, all the joys of their estate came to me...including their mail. One day, an invoice arrived saying it was time to pay the annual insurance--they called it an extended warrantee--on the television. The television was ten years old, yet, my parents were afraid not to have the warrantee in case something happened to it! It's not rocket science to realize that the ten years of annual warrantee payments would have easily bought them a new television.

That's what happens when we go into fear. We don't quite think straight. Let's not go there. Let's focus on doing what we can to keep our own affairs in order. Think through our financial decisions and see if there are positive changes that would be wise to make. But, let's not become glued to the television so that our emotions can be whipped about needlessly.

I think we've all got the memo, right? It's time to think through our financial and career decisions in a realistic way. That's a great start. Don't let the doomsayers into your living room on purpose. It's also a good time to remember our values, beliefs and principles and establish alignment with them in what we do, think and say.

You know what needs doing. I'm cheering you on.

Cheers,
Rhoberta

Are You Procrastinating?

You've no doubt noticed how easy it is to procrastinate. Almost any justification will do:

"It's really not that important.
Another day/week/decade won't really matter.
People who get those things done are just too perfect.
It will be better for me to do it after the office is clean."

You know the drill. Thinking about this today because I have to talk with a reporter on the subject tomorrow, I recalled many coaching and therapy clients who procrastinated because they really are simply afraid of success.

It's an identity crisis each time they postpone accomplishment. They don't know who they would be if they actually achieved the goals they set for themselves! So, under the surface, procrastination serves them. They can put off being successful and having to choose new goals. There is nothing further to hide behind. That's a big ah-ha for most folks!

What do you think? What causes you to procrastinate?

Oh, if you're not a procrastinator, it would be terrific if you would tell us all here how you avoid procrastinating!!!

Cheers,
Rhoberta
P.S. You might find my new weekly Tips for Taming Tense Times useful. See them at www.TamingTenseTimes.com

The Least Expensive Way to Manage Anxiety

No kidding! This is the least expensive way to manage anxiety. It's also the most available and the most immediate. Everyone can do it. And, if you don't do it, your body will insist and eventually do it for you!

You might even say, "Well, of course." when you read it, but, think of the benefits and the implications. This is very simple, however, you may have overlooked it as a regular practice.

The practice: The luxury of a deep breath.

I told you it was obvious, however, when you really use it, the benefits are great.

Very consciously and purposefully take a breath in through your nose. Hold it for a few seconds and then let it out through your mouth with a sigh.

Big benefit: your body will naturally relax your muscles and let your shoulders down from your earlobes as you exhale. If you want to test it, scrunch your shoulders up by your earlobes. You know, where they hover during a stressful day. Take a breath in through your nose, exhale through your mouth and keep your shoulders up there. See how difficult this is!

Your body wants to relax. Let it.

Practice this most natural form of anxiety relief several times a day. It cleanses the carbon dioxide out of the bottom of your pear-shaped lungs and re-oxygenates your system. It clears your head and relaxes your muscles. All for free.

It simply cannot be beat as the first response to stress!

Keep breathing,
Rhoberta

Do You Run Away from Conflict?

If you are like many, many people, conflict, or even the potential for confrontation, puts your stomach in knots and your legs heading for the door? It's common. Why? Because we never learned to handle these things well as we were growing up.

That sounds so simplistic, but, it's true. Conflict management skills are learned. We tend to do what we've watched others do, or, what we've learned will help us survive. Some folks had families where yelling was simply a way to be heard and anger flared only to disappear completely in a few minutes. Others, had simmering families: those ones who put a smile on their faces while their insides rage...and, then, erupt! And, of course, everything in between.

How do you handle conflict?

Do you have the listening skills to really hear what someone is saying to you? Or, do you hear what you are most afraid of hearing and react to it? Most folks do the latter. They are not listening.

Recently, a client called, in tears. She'd received an email from the love of her life saying that he could not keep his weekend commitment to her. It was a beautiful email. She read it to me. It was kind, considerate, thoughtful, and explanatory.

She wasn't in tears because she would not see him on the weekend. She was in tears because, years before when they were in relationship, an email of this nature preceded a breakup. Now, she is reading into this beautiful email that the next step is failure of the relationship. She's already living the result she's expecting...and she's very upset.

She was not listening. What she feared most was losing him and that was all she could "hear" in the email. She finally saw what she was doing, but it took hours. This is just a simple example for a personal life.

Do you take the time to sit quietly with yourself and find out what you're thinking and feelings...and why? Most folks don't. They are in react mode, fearful, rejecting and certain they are being victimized. They need to grow up, take responsibility for themselves and learn to communicate effectively.

These are the skills that can be systematically learned, so, that you never feel like a victim, a coward, a volcano, or, a mouse again.

Tame Tense Times by Tuning Up Your Skills!

It's easy! Visit http://www.workplacepeopleskills.com/ and get on the phone training in specific skills. Take advantage of it right away and stand strong.

Visit http://www.tamingtensetimes.com/ for more tips, support and encouragement.